An Introduction to My Anxiety

I don't think it'll surprise anyone who's read this blog that I have anxiety. 

Before I get into all the nitty-gritties of this post, I want to give you an overview of what kind of anxiety I deal with, because everyone deals with different kinds of anxiety.

I tend to overthink things. 

Obsess. 

Pages and pages of writing because I feel like I need all the answers and think maybe writing out more of my feelings will get me there. As you can see from previous posts, I've lately had trouble with overthinking my spiritual life.

I also panic. It can be bad. I've convinced myself, twice, that I had a migraine, though I'm now 99% sure that all I had was panic and a bit of a headache. I can give myself some major panic when I think something's wrong with my body.

Social anxiety is the one that I'm the least sure about, I can and do get anxious in social situations, but either my anxiety isn't that bad or I've trained myself to work past it, because I don't tend to let my anxiety stop me from being in social situations, or speaking in public.

Now, for the nitty-gritties.

~~~

Anxiety is a weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I could just stop being anxious if I wanted to, and, then, (you guessed it!) I worry about that for the next hour.

But, I do give it more control than I need to.

That's the thing with mental illnesses/problems. Sometimes I think because I have anxiety that I can't do anything about it. I think that if I don't act on how I feel my actions are all a lie.

I think that maybe I just can't do anything about it, so I should just cater to it. After all, when I'm anxious, the world revolves around making me feel better, right?

I give my anxiety a throne and bring tributes to it.

That's where we get it wrong a lot, I think.

Sometimes we forget that we don't have to keep in those patterns, that if I want to stop being so anxious I can start acting less anxious, give anxiety less power over my actions.

Now, I'm not saying you aren't doing just that, fighting to be better. I just know sometimes I haven't. Because, it's easy to say "Well, people with anxiety are like this," and to give in.

So I give my feelings the deciding vote this time. And next time they show up in greater numbers and ever, and it seems all other voices are drowned out.

But they don't have to be. My actions are separate from my feelings, and I can act contrary to them.

I don't have to listen to the voice that tells me if I act contrary to my feelings it's all a lie.

Because I've done it, and it helps.

~~~

Two years ago I was a different person. 

Sixteen-year-old Rebecca had anxiety and depression and she let them win. She sat in her room and didn't like hanging out with her family. She felt sorry for herself and she felt like she needed things like TV to be happy. She didn't push herself, or let herself admit she was wrong in something without the full flood of blaming feelings. She resented people who didn't go through the work of being her friend, and let herself be lonely.

Sixteen-year-old Rebecca had a lot of learning and growing up to do.

And I'm ever so thankful that she went through the struggle of doing them.

I won't say I don't still have those struggles, I've let my emotions win so many times, and now  they're taking a spiritual twist, and I don't know all how to go about the anxiety I have with God, but I know more now than I would if I hadn't started learning a long time ago.

I know that anxiety and depression lie a lot. 

I know that I can do more than I think I can. 

I've learned to smile when I wouldn't before, but I don't have to smile all the time. 

I can introduce myself to strangers, and I can spend time with friends. 

I can enjoy myself even though I'm anxious. In situations I didn't see myself enjoying.

I know that my feelings lie, and that I don't have to listen to them all the time.

And I know that I can trust in God.

I know that I've grown a lot in the past few years, and that I can continue to do so, growing out of the old struggles to face the new ones.

This post feels different. 

I'll admit, I'm anxious about posting it. What if it's not good? Will people like it? Relate to it? It just feels different, it has a taint of anxiety, a taint of things unsure. And, if there's one thing anxiety doesn't like, it's unsure things.

So, here's to hoping this look into my anxiety help you with yours.

~ Rebecca P.