The Voices (Guilt, Regret, Anxiety, and Shame)

I got up early today.

And, while I was waiting for seven ten to roll around, sitting on my bed, reading a book and feeling anxious and guilty my dad popped his head in the open doorway and told me he’s proud of me.

Of how I’m growing in Jesus.

And I realize, now, at seven forty at night after a day where I tried not to be anxious and didn’t know how and questions have run around and I’ve searched and I’m just not sure how to find, I realize now how I don’t listen to those things.

I don’t let myself realize how I’ve grown.

I think because I struggle I’m bad.

Because I struggle I don’t get to be proud of my accomplishes.

I don’t feel very proud of myself.

And I think because I feel something it’s true.

I think because I feel anxious and doubting that I can’t be happy. That I can’t smile, that I can’t enjoy good music. I think that I can’t do anything except struggle with my concept of God.

I almost said struggle with God, but I know it’s not God I’m struggling with.

God doesn’t tell me I’m not worthy.

I do.

God says I don’t deserve it, yes.

But He follows up with the fact that I get it anyway.

~~~

I’ve tried today.

And I feel like a failure right now.

And I feel that little bit of hope.

So I will grab onto it today.

The hope that I’m wrong.

The hope that God listens.

The hope that this is the Spirit prompting me away from my regret.

Thank God for Ellie Holcomb and her songs that tell me God is with me even when the healing hasn’t happened yet.

Thank God for Mr. Louie Giglio, and for his book, Goliath Must Fall. Christ lives in me even when the giant taunts.

When I fail, I can crawl into loving arms, because Jesus always loves me.

And I need to hold on to that. To not listen to the voices that tell me what if He doesn’t. The 

voices that say I’m not trying hard enough.

The voices might get to me sometimes. But Jesus loves me all the time.

This life of failure isn’t what Jesus has planned for me.

So, here’s to going out and laughing on purpose. To trusting my relationship with God to God. To try and fall into grace, because anxiety and grace don’t go together.

Here's to trusting God when my feelings say that I need to trust in me.