Accepting Defeat (Victory)

Accepting Defeat (Victory)

I am willing to accept defeat

When the day is over, and nothing else is offered to me

I’ll accept it

I’ll take that defeat

And I’ll try to slog through life under it

I am redefined by this defeat

I’m defeated

And I try to live through that

I feel defeated

Life defeats me

Again, and again

And, whether I accept it or not, I know I don’t have it all figured out

And I think there are only two options

Defeat or denial

I can live in the grueling truth of defeat

Or I can throw myself into a never satisfying life of denial

So mix together

Your brand of defeat and denial

And try to live life

Just like everyone else

Because defeat is loud

And denial tries to be louder

To drown out the pain of defeat

~~~

I am willing to accept defeat

When nothing else is offered

And I’m too tired to try and get something else out of life

I’ll take that defeat

And I’ll try to cover it up

Not to let anyone else see

That I’m defeated

And that no amount of poetry can give me victory

But I’ll pretend it will

And I can stay here

I can stay with defeat

I can sprout poetry

Telling you all about all the different ways my defeat defeats me

And I can pretend that that fixes me

But the whole time

I’m only ever uncovering

The greater hole inside of me

And I know that this won’t fix me

I start to believe nothing will fix me

And while I believe these things

My hands gather the largest collection of band-aids and duct tape you’ll ever see

And I’ll get to work

Trying to fix my defeat

Until the sun sets again

And I take that same handout that got me here in the first place

I accept defeat

~~~

Look back

Because while I was willing to accept defeat

Someone else wasn’t

I took that handout

I took the only option I saw

All while He was creating another one

One that didn’t seem real to me

While I was busy

Painting the picture of my defeat

Trying to work some way into victory

He wasn’t content with the defeat that defined me

Even when I was

While I was willing to accept defeat

He won my victory

But when I say that

Defeat steps right back in

And tells me that I’ve accepted defeat before

And His victory will never really save me

I’ll always fail

I’ll always forget

And I’ll never feel the victory

I know I’m supposed to dismiss the lies

To focus on the truth

But the lies defeated me before

And I’m no stronger now

This victory I’m supposed to have

Feels fragile

I’m not willing to test its strength

Defeat keeps telling me it’s a lie

And defeat’s louder than victory

And because I’m scared to live under a false victory

That could let me free fall

Into some unknown abyss

I let defeat come back in

And I accept its lies for me

~~~

I don’t know how to move past this

Defeat is where I’ve lived

It’s been a home for me

Full of mice

A home where wolves

Howl all through the night

But I’ve called defeat home

And defeat is where I’ll crawl

Because I don’t believe a palace

Could ever be home for me

~~~

So here

While I’m willing to accept defeat

While defeat’s got a hold on me

This is when I get to choose

To stop listening to defeat

And look at the victor

Who took the victory

While I was content with defeat

He saw something else for me

While I wallowed in despair

He took greater hell for me

While I took what I though was fair

He broke all the rules for me

He broke the rules I’d thought were right

He crossed my borders between black and white

He made something new

And called it victory

Victory

For those such as me

Victory to overcome defeat

Victory to overshadow defeat

Victory to promise an end

To all the defeat

That I could ever see in me

He’s promised me that his victory

Is bigger than my defeat

And He tells met the stories

Of other in defeat

He shows me their mix

Of denial and defeat

And He shows me their victory

Victory, though they couldn’t always see the way

Victory, even though they lost some days

Victory

Despite ever defeat

That came running back at them

He tells me to believe

And sometimes I get confused

Trying to believe in my victory

When I just need to believe in Him

Because when I look at Him

When I remember who He is

And what He’s promised me

That’s when defeat’s voice

Get quieter and quieter

Defeat loses ground

When I look at Him

And when He looks at me

Defeat loses ground

Whenever I remember

That He’s always looking at me

He looks at me when I’m defeated

And knows that’s not His plan for me

He looks at me when I look at Him

And helps me know His love for me

He looks at me

When I’m looking away

And calls my name

Because He knows the defeat that’s coming my way

He knows my victory’s only found in Him

~~~

While I was willing to accept defeat

He broke through death

And stole victory for me

Victory that doesn’t make sense

I don’t deserve it

And by my logic

I shouldn’t have it

But it’s there all the same

And sometimes when He holds me tight

My heart fills up

In ways I’d forgotten it needed to

Because I was created to live in victory

Defeat was never the plan for me

And living in defeat

Isn’t living at all

It’s dying

Dying in denial

Because if I don’t look at victory

Defeat will surely kill me

~~~

And I know I will run

I will hide

And find myself in all the wrong places

And I will let defeat back in

Because I feel defeated again

But His victory

Is not a one-time thing

His victory

Is everlasting

And no matter how many times

Defeat comes in and lies to me

His victory is always there

And it’s always been his plan for me

Because while I was content with defeat

When I am content with defeat

And when I will be content with defeat

He has a different plan for me

It’s not what I thought it would be

It doesn’t feel quite so safe

And I don’t know what it holds

But when I look at Him

And He looks at me

I know that this victory

Is far better than my best plan for me

And defeat

Has been defeated

By His victory

~ Rebecca P.